An Imperfect Athlete

I am an athlete.

When I was a kid, a teenager, you would never hear me say this.

I was a cheerleader in high school, and one that could not even do a cartwheel!  I was not an athlete and growing up where I did, being an athlete was a big deal.  Almost everyone was in some type of sport.  Not me, not my family.

After I grew up and left home I experienced more of life.

I dated a rock climber and hiker.  I did some rock climbing and a lot of hiking.  I dated a skier.  I did a lot of skiing (and became pretty good at it).  I married Mike, we joined a gym and lifted weights together, and I was in really good shape.  But I did not consider myself an athlete.

I had a baby and still went to the gym where I lifted weights and added running on the treadmill to get rid of that extra girth.  I did not like running, I just did it because it served a specific purpose. Life got busier and I "quit the gym".  It was not a part of life.  I was not an athlete.

Yesterday I finished my first half marathon.  I did not finish in a noteworthy time, but I finished.  Finishing the race did not make me an athlete.

A few months ago, a friend mentioned that I should do this race with her.  I have had it on my "Bucket List" for a while to run a half marathon but I have been afraid.  Not of the race, but afraid of the training, the time it would take.  I would run 3 miles and think "A 10K is double this, and a half marathon is more that twice that distance!!!  Ugg!  I don't think I could do that!"  In spite of those thoughts, a goal of a half marathon made it on my bucket list.  When she mentioned this race to me I knew this was a terrible time to commit to such a lofty goal.  Financially we were (and still are) in a very tight spot.  We just settled a law suit which added mental stress, financial stress, and the cause of the suit is the reason for our financial pinch.  How could I justify paying for an entry fee and the new pair of shoes I would need in the middle of my training?  Time wise I was also in a tight spot, working two jobs and still trying to manage the other things that take a wife and moms energies.  How could I justify taking time away from my house and family to commit to training.

In spite of all that, I committed, paid, and started training.

I found I could train in the midst of the chaos of my everyday, stressful life.

I found running was a big stress relief.  A way to let go.  A way to ponder life's struggle.  A way to deal with, or forget the stress. A way to sleep well at night in spite of the stress.

Somewhere in that training, I became an athlete.  A person who COULD do it.  A person who WANTED to do it.

Around mile 4 of the race yesterday, a fellow athlete came up beside me and did the unthinkable.  In spite of my ear buds pumping music in my ears, she started a conversation with me.  Now this woman was older than I, and to look at her, one would never say "Now there's an athlete!" yet she proceeded to tell me her story.

She has done too many half marathon's to count and has also done several triathlons.  Her first half marathon was done after she dropped 75 pounds, and at the finish line of that particular race she told me she dropped several strong words that she used to call herself.  A coworker told her the other day "You don't look like an athlete."  In my opinion, she is an extreme athlete.

My friend completed her first half marathon a year after a double mastectomy.

A woman at the starting line let us know she was nervous because this was her first half marathon and she just went through a hysterectomy 15 days ago.

A woman wrote on the "Wall of Words" that she runs because she survived being run over by a car.  Another woman wrote "I run to quiet the voice inside my head that tells me I'm not good enough."

I run because I don't want heart problems that some family members have.
I run because I don't want to take antidepressants again.
I run because I want to relieve stress and sleep well.
I run to have nice legs!
I run to be a good example for my daughter.
I run so I can be a better wife, mother, employee.
I run so I can have solitude.
I run for the scenery, the adrenaline rush, the natural high.
I run so I can have a glass of wine and chocolate.
I run because I have a diagnosis, a disease, that wants to tell me I can't run.
I run so that I can tell this disease where it can go.
I run so that NO ONE will feel pity for me because of this diagnosis.

As I thought of that woman's story, I figured that for as many women were running that 13.1 miles, there were that many stories of victory, loss, perseverance, overcoming obstacles.  I asked this woman, who's coworker claimed she did not look like the typical athlete, "What does a typical athlete look like?"

I looked around and saw women who were old, young, tall, short, muscular, skinny and, yes, even big.  Some of the women ran fast, some (like me) ran slow.  But we all finished.  We all trained. And I would say we are all athletes.

My words on that wall were "To finish what I started!  First 1/2 at 45 w/ RA.  It won't stop me!"

Maybe the best words to sum it all up would be "It's not how fast you finish...It's that you DO finish!

When is it time to "smell the roses"?

It's the end of spring break, and while some moms are ready for their children to go back to school and get out of the house, I'm not ready for it to end. 

Spring break is not only a break for my daughter, it's a break for me, a week off, because I work at the school.  And this spring break, like every other break, I had big plans.  Plans that did not come to fruition.  Plans to get things done.  Plans to read some books.  Plans to enjoy some spring weather.  Plans to kick back and relax. 

I did not get enough done.

I did not read enough books.

I did not get out much and enjoy the weather (it was windy most of the week any way).

I DID NOT KICK BACK AND RELAX!!!

For instance, this was my day today.  I got up and cleaned a little.  I went to Wal Mart for some things I needed and stressed out about how much I was spending.  I came home and went for a run so that I could report to my chiropractor that I did in fact go running.  I planned my Sunday School lesson that I need to teach tomorrow (a good teacher would have planned it last week!).  I took my dogs and daughter for a walk so that they got some exercise.  I cleaned my front porch (yes! I clean my porch.) and got it ready for the warm weather.  I pulled some weeds (why are the weeds green and growing before anything else?!).  Then I baked cookies and goodies for a bake sale tomorrow.  I stressed out about the amount of saturated fat and sugar I ate today, while I was licking the spatula (the main ingredient was cream cheese after all!!).  I was hard on myself because I did not call a friend back two days ago!  Now as I'm sitting at my computer I know that I have a mess in my kitchen that I need to clean up, and I feel a strong need to mop my kitchen floor because I HAVE to do it every week at least. 

Now, I know I am not alone in this type of day, week, life.  We are women and this is what we do.  We stress about calories, about money, about lack of exercise, about our house being clean enough, about being good enough for ourselves and others.  When do we take time to "smell the roses"?

Even though I am imperfect, I am still a perfectionist.  A friend came over yesterday and I expressed that I still need to clean the main level of my house.  She looked at me with surprise and said in disbelief "This needs to be clean?"  I was left wondering why I put such high expectations on myself.  I never thought of myself as an over-achiever.  When did I become this crazy person who wipes down the outside of my front door instead of sitting on the front porch and reading a book? 

I don't know if I am more sad that spring break is over because I didn't get all my "To Do" list done or because I did not take time and just chill out with my daughter. 

Now I need to go.  After all, I still have a floor to mop!

The Imperfect Perfectionist: Undercover Blessings

The Imperfect Perfectionist: Undercover Blessings: "My daughter woke up with a fever this morning, which means texts to the teachers I work with, a call to the assistant principal letting her ..."

Undercover Blessings

My daughter woke up with a fever this morning, which means texts to the teachers I work with, a call to the assistant principal letting her know I won't be there to proctor the tests, a call to the school attendance line, a call to a co-worker to see if she can cover for recess,  a call to my carpool partner, and an email to her teacher.  It also means I don't get to go to a friends house tonight and our plans for tomorrow may be affected as well.  It means my daughter has to make up a test she will miss today and we will spend part of our weekend doing homework so she does not get behind.

Well, that's one way to look at it.  But dare I say, this is an undercover blessing.

Those calls are made, done.  Things are covered, or will be covered.  My daughter is not miserable.  And I'll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.

The way I have chosen to look at this is as a blessing.  I have declared today "Jammie Day!"  We will hang out in our PJ's, read, watch TV and movies.  I will get some laundry done, clean a bit, spend time with my sweet girl.  We will take a nap (a lovely luxury!) and maybe even do mani-pedi's.  This is just a forced day off and maybe we both need it.

I am not a "Pollyanna" or an eternal optimist, but I do try to see the glass half full and look for the silver lining.  Things are just more fun that way! 

Today, as you encounter the bumps in the road or even road blocks, look for the blessing that just may be working undercover. 

Achieving "Perfection"

As women, it seems we struggle with that ever elusive pursuit of perfection.  We try to perfect our appearance, our homes, our jobs, our children, and yes even our husbands.  We want the world to believe we have achieved perfection while privately knowing we fall so short.  So we beat ourselves up, compare ourselves with others whom we believe are more perfect than we are.

Since my 20's, I always looked at that "40 something" woman with a feeling of awe and a bit of envy.  They seemed to have something I didn't, something I wanted.  They owned their homes, had families, were established in their careers, and just had an air about them that seemed to exude a confidence my friends and I were trying too hard to pretend we had.  I wanted what they had seemed to achieve.

Now I am that "40 something" woman.  (Yet I have no misconceptions that anyone looks at me with awe and envy!)  I do not feel I have achieved anything great.  I have a beautiful house that we have made into a home, yet it comes with a mortgage that is sometimes hard to pay, not to mention I have to clean that house.  Despite all my intentions and hard work, my family is beautiful, yet far from perfect.  My career...well, lets just say that I love what I do for a living, but it is far from a career.  In fact, I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up!  And that confidence,  Istill fake it from time to time.

But I can say, I follow that pursuit of perfection far less than I used to. 

My house does not have to be perfect, it just needs to be comfortable for my family and I.  I will never have the body I had in my 20's, but this body has given life to another and has endured the pain of RA and age.  My body may not be as physically strong as it was, but I have gained more strength through the challenges and trials in life.  My marriage is not perfect, but like my body has gained strength through the tough times and my amazing husband is my rock.   My cute smart, talented, funny daughter is beautifully imperfect.

Sometime in the past few years, I focused less on perfection.  I started focusing on being happy, content "whatever state I am in".  I started focusing on being healthy, not perfect.  I let go of that impossibility of perfection and started being more real.  I took off the mask and started showing the real me.

I try now to focus on the things I can change, work on things I can improve.  I worry less about the things I can't change.  And even in this, I am not perfect and sometimes worry and obsess about the little things or things out of my control.

It wasn't until I let go of that pursuit of perfection, that I looked in the mirror and realized that I liked what I saw, flaws and all!

Just me

I am not starting a blog because I think I have some amazing wisdom or words of advice.  I do not have plans to change the world, the city, the neighborhood, or even my own home (well maybe my home, what woman doesn't?).  I am doing this because as I am going about my daily duties, sometimes a random thought pops into my head and I think "I should write about that!" 

Sometimes what pops into my head is funny, sometimes a bit thought provoking, sometimes controversial, sometimes just a bunch of hog wash or "fluff".  Sometimes it is something that I think someone else would get some type of humor, pleasure, comfort, or entertainment from. 

To say I am not a little nervous or scared to write and publish a blog would be a bald face lie.  You see, I am the type of woman who always thinks I say too much and listen too little.  I leave an encounter with someone else and think, "did I say anything I shouldn't have said?"  I also tend to obsess about that, going over in my mind what was said, and how it could be taken.  But I have decided to take the leap and just go for it!

If you gain some knowledge, comfort, or entertainment from this then great.  If you don't agree with what I said, that's great too because that is what makes life interesting.  If no one reads this then I hope I don't know, but it will have been fun for me to write anyway!